I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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