my soul wont recognize me after tonight
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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