i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
