I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
