You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
