We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i think i just lost a toe
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
