i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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