I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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