So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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