Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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