Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
