She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
