Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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