he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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