She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize