New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
