I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
