The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
