U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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