my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
