We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have feelings that need drinking.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
