Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
