How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
