i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
