if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
