its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
