theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This toilet bowl is my home.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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