hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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