update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
