i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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