Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Can you bring me the toilet please
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
