Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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