I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
