this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
