If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
