you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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