Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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