Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
