last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
