Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize