I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
