i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
