Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
