Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
