my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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