The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
