i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The Olympian is in my bed
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