Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
