thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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