He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
