I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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