Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
