no, he came in my armpit
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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