I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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