oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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